Thursday, May 30, 2013

My Truth

 Hello there,

Today has been a restful day. My body is catching up on sleep and readjusting to the Pacific time zone. It's been a good day overall.

I have been completing counseling homework the past few weeks. Yes, counseling. When you have experienced a devastating event in your life, its a good idea to talk to someone other that your family or friends, someone professional, who might be able to help you recognize and pin point some of your feelings and where they stem from. It's been a great help for me. Like I said before, make sure to take care of yourself.

Anyway, as I was reflecting, I felt the need to share my truth. My history. I may have shared some of it before but I wanted to give you a deeper look at what I have experienced since becoming involved with male counterparts.

My first real love was for a guy who was my close friend. I was about 15 years old when we met. We started out as good friends, talking to each other about anything under the sun, developing one of the best friendships I had ever had with a guy and probably have experienced ever. It wasn't until 2 years later that we somehow developed a physical relationship. If I can be honest, there was nothing better in the world to me at the time than to be best friends with the guy I was " getting physical" with. The only drawback was, HE HAD A GIRLFRIEND! Now how in the world did I get caught up in that triangle?! I was in love. He was my first physical relationship. Even though it wasn't really a relationship because we kept it a secret for approximately 3 years! Yes, that long. I was the dreaded side chick. I was young and immature. I sympathize with girls now who are in that position because I know how it is or can be. I do not fault the woman that is pregnant by my ex-fiancé because I'm sure he did her like I was done when I was 17. Yes, we are all older now, both he and she are older than I am, her especially but age doesn't constitute maturity. Sad to say.

Anyhow, for 3+ years, I was in love with this guy who basically lived two separate lives and I let him! Remember in the 'Sex' post I talked about soul-ties? Yeah, this was one extremely strong soul-tie. It was so strong I could not form my mouth to tell him no. Now that's crazy! He once asked me why couldn't he have a girlfriend in and out of the state? Are you kidding me?! Nikeya, you should have run away screaming! I couldn't. My heart was caught up. I was blind to the fact that this relationship was toxic and just plain wrong.  The thing was, he never stopped being my friend, my best friend at that. Guys really know how to keep a girl hooked, right?  Nevertheless, it was not right. We continued to be there for one another like friends would be, we tried numerous times to end the physical relationship but kept being drawn to one another. That's what that soul-tie does. Keeps you connected. The only logical thing to do was just not be friends anymore. That hurt like crazy! Breaking a soul-tie is painful.

Galatians 6:7-8 reads: Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap. For he who sows to his flesh will of the flesh reap corruption, but he who sows to the Spirit will of the Spirit reap everlasting life. Do I feel like I have reaped what I have sown? In a sense I do but the bible also says, in Romans 8:1: There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit. I do not believe I deserved the way my ex treated me and I don't believe God allowed it to punish me. The common factor in both verses is the way in which we walk according to; of the flesh or of the Spirit. Yes, I walk according to the spirit now but back then I was not. I am not saying I had this coming nor am I saying that whatever you have done will cause hardship for you but what I do recognize is that sowing to either the flesh or the Spirit creates a cycle. The cycle I want to create is that of the Spirit. I have learned sowing to the flesh only creates a negative cycle and nothing good can come of it.  Filling your heart with the word of God, worship and prayer are all ways of sowing to the Spirit.

My challenge to you is to sow more to the Spirit, recognize the ways you have been sowing to the flesh and creating toxic cycles and ask God to deliver you. Our lives are changed by the choices we make. I wanted to share my history with you to share my struggle as well as my faith that God never stops caring for and loving you. Things could have been much worse if it had not been for God hearing and answering my prayer that Saturday afternoon. It hurt but I'm glad God remains faithful even when I have not. My eyes have been opened. My focus has changed and I have an expectation that GREATER IS COMING!

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